Where will we be.

I spent my morning soaking in the tub until shriveled with mental clarity and sound. Spotify seems to play the worst songs at the perfect time. I was instantly reminded of why I haven't been sleeping or eating that much lately. My thoughts recently consist of "hey remember that time" and "remember that other time." One specific moment I often wander to is when I was wrapping myself in a towel while you shaved your handsome face. I was never bothered by the intrusion of my bathroom space, but I knew you secretly were. You continued your bathroom rituals and reached for a Q-tip. There was a brand new box of 500 on top of our toilet seat. You said "I wonder where we will be when this box is empty." I don't know if you even thought twice about that statement, but every now and then, when I saw the box lessen, I thought about what you had said.

At first, I thought of exactly where we were at that moment. I had moved to Canada to be with you. I told myself and others that I just wanted the adventure but I knew it was only for you. All of the prospective jobs I had, never came to fruition. You were comfortable with your eyes locked on the computer screen, and I comfortable with my new false love for being a pseudo housewife. I loved your dedication and passion to your work, I loved the way that every time you didn't know what to say you just embraced me and kissed me on the forehead. I loved being appreciated by you for simply being around. At the start of 500 we were living together in Canada, sleeping in a twin-size bed without a frame. We went to bed next to each other every night and woke up next to each other every morning. We would sneak alcohol into movie theaters like we were teenagers and kiss on the beach. You always annihilated me at every card game and I appreciated that you never let me win. We were in love, and so, when you said "I wonder where we will be when this box is empty" I thought: we will be here, or maybe in a cute apartment in Toronto, but we will be here, in love...maybe more in love if that is possible. But I am a realist after all and my thoughts trailed into "or maybe, quite possibly, we will be out of love." That thought didn't last long enough to fight off your hands from my back and your lips from mine.

And at roughly 450 (a month later), I looked at that box and thought, this is where we will be when that box is empty. Only, we may be even more in love, more happy. If that were at all possible.

Then there had to be about 2/3 of the box left (three months since that first Q-tip). I was packing up my make-up, straightener, hair accessories and leaving behind my toothbrush. I had not been able to find a job in Canada. I spent too much time in front of the TV, hoping you would join me. We started arguing more because I was unhappy. I kept trying and you kept doubting. I needed to move back to the States so I would be able to work and I--we could be happy again. There was an agreement that we were both okay with long distance. Knowing that we were still together made moving back to my home state of Ohio a little less miserable. And when I glanced up at that dissipating box of Q-tips I thought, I will be back here with you or you would be in the States with me or we would figure it out but either way we would be happy--together.

There were moments in between visits that I thought about where we will be when that box is empty. And there were other moments during visits when I didn't even pay mind to that emptying box on your toilet seat. The last time I came to visit, we went to a night club, which is not a place I am comfortable, but I felt at home with you. I haven't grinded since my middle school formal and I am pretty sure I wasn't any better at it then. It was our first time dancing together but it felt like we had done this before. It was one of the best nights we had ever had. I thought about how it always used to feel like this when we spent time together. Our relationship seemed to be looking up again.

A little over a month has passed since that last weekend we spent together. I argued with you for the last time about not putting forth any effort into our relationship, hoping that your response would be different. You said you didn't have enough energy for me and your work. You said that it was too hard to go from living together to living apart but you never said it was over. You left that part up to me. I took a day to reflect, and I thought back on all of the things I loved about you. Maybe I was being such a downer because I was sick to my stomach or because my ego was bruised but all I could think about was how your dedication and passion for your work did not transcend into our relationship. Or how you laughed when I cried because expression of emotions made you uncomfortable. And how you stopped appreciating me being there. And most of all how you showed your love on a fair-weathered basis. The worst part is that I was okay with all of these things, all of this time.

I have no idea how many Q-tips remain, and I have been fighting myself from wondering if you will be with someone else when that box is empty, or if there is still a chance for us. But now I am realizing I have no energy left to wonder where WE will be when that box is empty or more so where you will be. I have no idea where I will be, and I will never know when that box is empty. It was always easier for me to take the blame for all of the mishaps and problems we had and maybe that is where I went wrong, where we went wrong. The truth is, when it's over all of the things you loved about a person become all of the things you hate. I have to acknowledge this because I refuse to be bitter. I realize now that there is no blame to be given when a relationship ends. I am thankful for all of the amazing experiences that made me a better person. I am thankful for all of the bad that will make me stronger. Our relationship taught me how to give, and to love. And I am even thankful for the harsh reality of our recent exchanging of words.

Where will we be when that box is empty?, I hope that I am in a better place and I hope that by the time that box is empty, I will have put forth the effort and energy to show myself love. And as for you, I hope that you find love and happiness whether you find it through work or with someone else, you deserve it. I spent my morning soaking in a tub until shriveled with mental clarity and sound. I have nothing bad to say, I have no regrets, and I have no misguided wishful thinking. The truth is, you are one of the best people I've ever known and one of the best people I have ever had the opportunity to love. And the truth is, I will have this again--with someone else...and so will you. I understand that I will be sad for a while, but I stopped hoping you would be too. And as I am typing this, it feels good knowing that even though you would never approve of me sharing our personal life on the internet, I don't have to give a fuck!