Mi Padre es mi vida.

Every time I have ever tried to write about my father I always get the feeling that no words can express the man that he is. But today is Father's Day and I thought I would try my best. I remember all of the simple things he would do when we were kids. He would give us nosies(put our whole nose in his mouth and suck, I know sounds disgusting...it was!) and fill our sippy cups with coffee. He would take us to Home Depot and let us collect all of the paint swatches we could hold, and then take us home for some arts and crafts. We would get so excited to sit around the table while our conversations were filled with word games. He would always test our knowledge and make sure we caught him when he fed us false information. He always made sure we had the things we needed and more. These simple acts were combined with sacrifice, struggle and his consistent love he effortlessly showed. I could always tell that the love he has for us is a reflex, he never thinks twice about putting us first.

My father has always been an amazing man, but unlike most individuals he has continued to improve himself. A few years ago, my father flew to Colorado to help move me back to Ohio (the first time). This trip was the start of his "Phase 2" philosophy. We had the most amazing road trip (which I will write a separate post about). His new philosophy was about spreading positivity and diverting negativity, accepting all types of individuals and listening to their stories, living a healthy lifestyle and centering his life around his family. I thought to myself, if my father is still able to work on himself and strive to be a better man at the age of fifty, than I can do the same. He said so wisely that "the sunshine will follow those who look for the good in others, and others will follow the sunshine that found the good in them." He has inspired me to be a better person, he has instilled a strong work ethic in all of his children, he has taught us to love unconditionally and he has given us the groundwork to seize all opportunities. Seriously! What a guy.

I love you, padre. I will continue to improve myself as a person. I will work hard and love even harder. I hope to repay you for all of your dedication by being the best person I can be. You are an amazing man, and I am so so so lucky.

I'm in a different world.

This past week, I was at my breaking point. I haven't been here in a while and I almost always forget about the downside to the upside I am so used to.

I recently quit my job working at a cosmetology school. The position promised a lot and delivered very little that in addition to working with over fifty self-involved young females (all with really bad haircuts) was too much for me. I quickly started another job at a five floor hibachi/sushi restaurant. Who needs five floors of hibachi? The owner demanded I wear mini skirts even though the other females were wearing long pants. My very first shift was 11 hours long, unpaid. I suffered through inappropriate 'friendly' touching, the manager stole all of my tips and then tried to charge me for free food. When another server said "You ever sleep with a Puerto Rican? They call me Papi" I knew there would be no day two. I mean PAPI? Dude must impregnate a lot of women to get a nickname like that. I quit out of self-respect, I know my worth and I also know I haven't slept with a Puerto Rican who calls himself a Papi Chulo.

So there I was unemployed, desperately searching for a job while still holding out for something better. I have been constantly worrying; I need to pay rent, I need to pay my bills and I need to stop laying in bed sad. In one week, I had lost my relationship, left two jobs, and couldn't pay my car insurance. My bank account nearly drained and contemplating as to whether or not I should let a guy rub my feet for $60 an hour or if I should just walk to the McDonald's down the street and drop some fries. I keep feeling this heavy pain in my chest, and then it dissipates with positive thoughts.

I think of all of the wonderful people I have in my life and I kept smiling in between bouts of sadness. I worked toward filling my head with positive thoughts and my life with positive people. Once I changed my attitude, things started happening. I had one of the weirdest interviews of my life, which involved rapping "Drop it Like it's Hott" in its entirety... I got the job! I also got another job working for a Paleo SkinCare company, thanks to my awesome roommate. And I really want to take a moment to thank Snoop Dogg. From the time I got lost in Oakland following a Snoop Dogg look-a-like for three hours (he had a body guard), to the time I got the attention of a cute boy at a wedding reception, and now to the time that Snoop got me a really cool job! Not to mention, all of the countless car rides with coordinated dance moves...yeah Snoop Dogg, he's so sharp.

I am going to be okay, I am going to be able to pay my rent and my car insurance. I won't have to live off of Ramen and PBRs. I have wonderful people in my life that will be there the next time I fall to my breaking point. And most importantly, I have a better version of myself. I am happy to say that the saying "You are the company you keep" is the truest statement. I have had many negative influences in my life and I have learned from them but when I have taken them out of my life, that is when I strive. And who knows, maybe I will still indulge a fetish and get a nice foot rub or two just to get me by the next couple of weeks. ;)

Dimora

This is my home. When I think of all of the houses I have lived in, I realize none of them have felt like home. Recently, my roommate Allison and I had our friends stay at our house while they were passing through Cleveland on tour. They are all really great people with some really great stories. The newest addition to the band was talking about how her childhood home was just sold, she was parting ways with something she loved. I thought, that must be what it feels like to have a home, and to lose a home. I have been very fortunate to have had a steady roof over my head, but still, these roofs never felt like home. They would come and they would go and that was that. Homes are not meant for tip-toes, they are not meant for clean feet. Homes are no place to feel like an inconvenience and no place to feel like you have no place. A home deserves upkeep but not before it has the time to breathe. And most importantly, a home is a place where you feel free.

I have never been in a place that felt like home. These houses they would come and then they would go. But here I am, living with my best friend in a beautiful apartment. Our things grace the walls, our feet firmly planted and stinky (I'll speak for myself). I know this is home, I come and I go. I throw my things on the floor and pick them up once I have had time to breathe. I am proud of my home as a representation of me. And most importantly, I feel free -- free to roam in my undies, free to sing as awful as I so typically do. I am not confined to one room, the whole house is my morning, evening, and night oasis.

We have made a house our home.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Where will we be.

I spent my morning soaking in the tub until shriveled with mental clarity and sound. Spotify seems to play the worst songs at the perfect time. I was instantly reminded of why I haven't been sleeping or eating that much lately. My thoughts recently consist of "hey remember that time" and "remember that other time." One specific moment I often wander to is when I was wrapping myself in a towel while you shaved your handsome face. I was never bothered by the intrusion of my bathroom space, but I knew you secretly were. You continued your bathroom rituals and reached for a Q-tip. There was a brand new box of 500 on top of our toilet seat. You said "I wonder where we will be when this box is empty." I don't know if you even thought twice about that statement, but every now and then, when I saw the box lessen, I thought about what you had said.

At first, I thought of exactly where we were at that moment. I had moved to Canada to be with you. I told myself and others that I just wanted the adventure but I knew it was only for you. All of the prospective jobs I had, never came to fruition. You were comfortable with your eyes locked on the computer screen, and I comfortable with my new false love for being a pseudo housewife. I loved your dedication and passion to your work, I loved the way that every time you didn't know what to say you just embraced me and kissed me on the forehead. I loved being appreciated by you for simply being around. At the start of 500 we were living together in Canada, sleeping in a twin-size bed without a frame. We went to bed next to each other every night and woke up next to each other every morning. We would sneak alcohol into movie theaters like we were teenagers and kiss on the beach. You always annihilated me at every card game and I appreciated that you never let me win. We were in love, and so, when you said "I wonder where we will be when this box is empty" I thought: we will be here, or maybe in a cute apartment in Toronto, but we will be here, in love...maybe more in love if that is possible. But I am a realist after all and my thoughts trailed into "or maybe, quite possibly, we will be out of love." That thought didn't last long enough to fight off your hands from my back and your lips from mine.

And at roughly 450 (a month later), I looked at that box and thought, this is where we will be when that box is empty. Only, we may be even more in love, more happy. If that were at all possible.

Then there had to be about 2/3 of the box left (three months since that first Q-tip). I was packing up my make-up, straightener, hair accessories and leaving behind my toothbrush. I had not been able to find a job in Canada. I spent too much time in front of the TV, hoping you would join me. We started arguing more because I was unhappy. I kept trying and you kept doubting. I needed to move back to the States so I would be able to work and I--we could be happy again. There was an agreement that we were both okay with long distance. Knowing that we were still together made moving back to my home state of Ohio a little less miserable. And when I glanced up at that dissipating box of Q-tips I thought, I will be back here with you or you would be in the States with me or we would figure it out but either way we would be happy--together.

There were moments in between visits that I thought about where we will be when that box is empty. And there were other moments during visits when I didn't even pay mind to that emptying box on your toilet seat. The last time I came to visit, we went to a night club, which is not a place I am comfortable, but I felt at home with you. I haven't grinded since my middle school formal and I am pretty sure I wasn't any better at it then. It was our first time dancing together but it felt like we had done this before. It was one of the best nights we had ever had. I thought about how it always used to feel like this when we spent time together. Our relationship seemed to be looking up again.

A little over a month has passed since that last weekend we spent together. I argued with you for the last time about not putting forth any effort into our relationship, hoping that your response would be different. You said you didn't have enough energy for me and your work. You said that it was too hard to go from living together to living apart but you never said it was over. You left that part up to me. I took a day to reflect, and I thought back on all of the things I loved about you. Maybe I was being such a downer because I was sick to my stomach or because my ego was bruised but all I could think about was how your dedication and passion for your work did not transcend into our relationship. Or how you laughed when I cried because expression of emotions made you uncomfortable. And how you stopped appreciating me being there. And most of all how you showed your love on a fair-weathered basis. The worst part is that I was okay with all of these things, all of this time.

I have no idea how many Q-tips remain, and I have been fighting myself from wondering if you will be with someone else when that box is empty, or if there is still a chance for us. But now I am realizing I have no energy left to wonder where WE will be when that box is empty or more so where you will be. I have no idea where I will be, and I will never know when that box is empty. It was always easier for me to take the blame for all of the mishaps and problems we had and maybe that is where I went wrong, where we went wrong. The truth is, when it's over all of the things you loved about a person become all of the things you hate. I have to acknowledge this because I refuse to be bitter. I realize now that there is no blame to be given when a relationship ends. I am thankful for all of the amazing experiences that made me a better person. I am thankful for all of the bad that will make me stronger. Our relationship taught me how to give, and to love. And I am even thankful for the harsh reality of our recent exchanging of words.

Where will we be when that box is empty?, I hope that I am in a better place and I hope that by the time that box is empty, I will have put forth the effort and energy to show myself love. And as for you, I hope that you find love and happiness whether you find it through work or with someone else, you deserve it. I spent my morning soaking in a tub until shriveled with mental clarity and sound. I have nothing bad to say, I have no regrets, and I have no misguided wishful thinking. The truth is, you are one of the best people I've ever known and one of the best people I have ever had the opportunity to love. And the truth is, I will have this again--with someone else...and so will you. I understand that I will be sad for a while, but I stopped hoping you would be too. And as I am typing this, it feels good knowing that even though you would never approve of me sharing our personal life on the internet, I don't have to give a fuck!